|| Four Days**
First-Hand Account of the Remarkable End of the Weight Bet. (by Joe
I must say that in
some ways, I feel responsible for the coup d'etat that Dan pulled on Tolga,
whether that is a good thing or not.. Weeks before I had told Dan that
if I was in the weight bet, I'd go "hard-core" for the last
week, only drinking water and exercising every day. Little did I know
that Dan would take up this mantle of hard-coredness and embrace like
a child with his new puppy.
Being Dan's friend
and officemate, I witnessed first-hand most of the events that took place.
I must say that recounting them brings a tear to my eye, briskly brushed
away by a slightly trembling hand. Here is the story of those tumultuous,
chaotic 4 days, in neat chronological order.
1 - Monday Jan 29th:
9:00am - Dan comes into the office in the morning and says, "I'm
going hard-core on the weight bet." "Really", I reply and
go back to typing. Dan weighs in at 223lbs and duly records this on asinine.
9:30am - Tolga comes in and weighs in at 217.5 and duly records
that on asinine.
10:30am - Dan goes out to buy "The Hollywood" diet. For
those of you without an eating disorder, this is a juice that contains
800 calories and vital nutrients to be consumed for 2 days in lieu of
anything else. You're supposed to be able to lose 10 pounds in 2 days
with this, but I think most of this is just colon weight and "easy
fat", both of which Dan had already expelled in the previous weeks.
11:45am - Tolga comes by and asks, "Lunch?" Dan says,
truthfully in a way, "No thanks, I already had lunch."
3:45pm - I say to Dan, "You know, you're being a little sneaky,
I would feel kind of bad for Tolga if you beat him." Dan replies,
"Yeah, I would feel a little bad too."
9:00pm - Dan, fueled only by the Hollywood diet, exercises in the
Carlyse Apartment complex.
2 - Tuesday Jan 30th:
9:00am - Tolga comes into our office (where the scale resides)
and weighs in. He says, "217.0 pounds." Dan says, "Yeah,
but how much is it without the cellphone, keys, and the shoes?" Tolga
says "Fine" and proceeds to weigh-in without ornament, coming
in at 215.5 lb.
11:45am - Tolga comes to our office and says, "Lunch."
3:00pm - I ask Dan if he's eaten anything in the last 2 days, he
replies "No." He hasn't even finished the bottle of the Hollywood
Diet. I ask him if he's told Tolga how much he weighs. Dan says, "He
hasn't asked." I point out that he's been a little sneaky because
Tolga has told Dan what he's weighed the whole time. I give a brief lecture
on the letter of the bet vs. the spirit of the bet. Dan proceeds to argue
he's done nothing dishonest - he hasn't lied about anything and he did
properly weigh in on Monday. I reissue the concern that Tolga would feel
betrayed if Dan beat him. Dan says, "Yeah, but it is a bet and I
haven't done anything wrong."
5:00pm - Dan drives up to San Fran to have dinner with his uncle.
Tolga assumes that Dan will gorge himself, and that victory would easily
9:00pm - Dan, fueled only by fumes, exercises at the Carlyse Apartment
11:00pm - Dan eats a single dumpling - the first solid food he's
had in 48 hours.
3 - Wednesday Jan 31st.
7:15am - Dan and I go for a run. He gasps and wheezes more than
usual during the run. I chant to him, "Eye of the Tiger, Eye of the
Tiger." He pushes himself on. I'm not sure if he's actually gained
the "Eye of the Tiger" because I was too busy wheezing and gasping
9:00am - Tolga comes into the office and weighs in without shoes
or cellphone, coming at 215. Dan and Tolga talk for a bit about how lame
the SoCal guys are (especially Sherwin) and how it will be nice to take
first and second places. They also talk derisively of the SoCal boys potentially
splitting the 3rd place pot. I mention to Tolga that he hasn't been going
too hard this week. Tolga replies, "What is DAN going to catch me?"
After Tolga leaves I say to Dan yet again, "You know, if you win,
you'll really crush Tolga." Dan replies, "I don't give a s**t."
I think Dan was little peeved that Tolga didn't seriously consider a run
by the Honger in the end. As Bill pointed out, Tolga was being the prototypical
Hare and Dan the steady, resourceful Tortoise.
9:30am - Dan weighs in at 218 - still a few pounds off where he
needs to be, but still much lower than where Tolga thinks he is.
11:45am - Tolga comes by and says, "Lunch?" Dan declines.
2:00pm - Matt comes in and says how crappy Dan looks. Dan has blanched
to the point of looking like Matt. He's got the Eye of the Tiger goin'
now. Oh my, yes, the Eye of the Tiger.
3:00pm - Bill comes in and says that Dan looks like crap. When
he finds out what Dan has been up to, he mentions that Tolga was talking
about how much it would cost to put a down-payment on an M5 and how the
$4500 would help. I mention yet again how crushed Tolga will be if he
loses and Dan says, "**c* *** ****z*** ***_***; *********, and the
****ing horse he rode in on!" Dan's head also spins all the way around,
I believe in a counter-clockwise direction.
7:00pm - Everyone goes out to Kal's BBQ for dinner, except Dan.
He stays under the pretense that he's got a lot of work to do. Right there
Tolga should've known something was up.
9:00pm - Dan, fueled purely on will-power, exercises at the Carlyse
11:00pm - Dan eats 2 dumplings - a veritable feast in the eyes
of his ravaged stomach.
4 - February 1st: the day of reckoning.
9:00am - Tolga weighs in at 214. He tells Dan that they should
both weigh-in today, once Miriam (the NoCal weight bet referee) comes
in. Dan says that he probably will weigh-in today as well (strike the
"Muhahaha" sound effect here).
9:15am - Dan weighs in (with Tolga not around, obviously) at 216.5,
he's just 1.5 pounds off of where he needs to be.
9:30am - Things get really nasty now. The spit cup comes out. Dan
continues to spit into it for the rest of the morning. Sometimes, he even
opts to spit directly into our trashcan, much to my dismay.
10:00am-11:59am - Tolga comes in every now and then and demands
to know where Miriam is so that he can end this hated bet. People come
in and comment how crappy Dan looks, being dehydrated from the spitting
and from drinking no water since the night before. He doesn't so much
have the Eye of the Tiger goin' now. It's more like that lunatic look
my dog would get when he spotted his own tail, lying low in wait for it,
and then, just as the tail was lax and off-guard, would chase it incessantly
for a few minutes. Actually, it was more like the wildly disoriented look
in my dog's eyes after he was done chasing the tail.
12:00pm - Miriam arrives. Tolga officially weighs in at 213.5 lb,
thus ending a hard, starvation-filled 3 months. But, in Tolga's mind it
was all worth it, considering the $4500 that he was about to win...or
so he thought.
12:15pm - Dan leaves the office to "Change into his weigh-in
clothes." Indeed, that was true, but he was also about to embark
on the most painful 90 minutes of his adult life.
12:25pm - Dan exercises at the Carlyse Apartment complex. He alternates
between riding a bicycle in sweats and sitting in the sauna.
1:45pm - Dan arrives back at the office in his weigh-in clothes.
He calls in Miriam to observe the official weigh in. While noting the
official weight of 214.5lb, she states, "Man, you guys went all out."
1:55pm - Tolga finds out the devastating truth - he has lost by
0.25%. Tolga weighs 82.43% of what he weighed 3 months ago, a lofty accomplishment.
But Dan weighs 82.15% of what he weighed. The truth was hard for Tolga
to swallow, much harder to swallow than that chicken salad he had the
night before, that's for damn sure. What could've been going through Tolga's
mind at this time? No one knows for sure, not even Tolga since the traumatic
moment was mercifully wiped from his mind, but I have to believe that
he had to think about that extra piece of bread he had with a meal he
had a month ago, or when he opted for the chicken salad over the vegetarian
salad, or that time he had a glass of OJ instead of water. Or perhaps
he was thinking about all the ways that he could kill Dan. Whatever was
going through his mind, when I walked into his cube, he was just sitting
there, staring at his monitor with the asinine behavior weight page up.
Maybe he expected the numbers to magically change there. He also kept
saying, "Everyday I told him where I was at" and "He lost
8 and a half pounds in 4 days."
**Loosely based on actual events. Some facts were exaggerated, altered,
or fabricated to protect the innocent.